trepidation

I am glad 2012 is just around the corner, really, I am.  But I am also a bit worried.

My downward spiral probably actually began when my MIL was here during Bob’s illness as that brought a whole lot of emotions/memories/responses to the surface that I didn’t know were there.

Even though we got the all-clear on his Hodgkin’s in October, 2010, it wasn’t written in letters of fire across the sky, so I couldn’t be sure.  Plus, without realizing it, I was losing perspective and the filters were failing:  everything was personal, nothing was background noise, everything was an attack, and I was entering full defensive mode.

By May it was taking an enormous amount of effort to even pretend to hold it together.  I had a week’s leave then, but end-of-the-year obligations prevented me from prolonging it.  I had six weeks off over the summer, but I didn’t DO anything about the situation.  I just hoped rest would make it go away.

It didn’t.  By September I was sitting at my desk crying for no apparent reason while typing names into a database and, worst of all, I actually grabbed a freshman I was talking to in the library.  I am extremely lucky that all he said was, “You don’t have to touch me.”  I called in sick the next day and haven’t been back.

It is hard living on 75% of your salary when you are the primary wage-earner, but I really needed that time.  This time I was smart enough to get some help.  I see a Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner and after much experimentation and losing of balance and trains of thought, I think we have figured out the right mix of anti-anxiety and depression medication.

Of course, losing all my meds on the way to the UK and only getting them refilled the middle of last week means I am still a bit off balance, but I will get there.

I also see a psychologist which I hope will continue for a bit because I am terrified of going back to work.  I am trying so hard to shed some of the emotional garbage I carry around and being back there, well, I’m afraid I will slip back into old habits because it is the path of least resistance.  And I don’t want to do that.  I want to move forward, not slip back.

They say it takes nine to twelve months to recover from a “major depressive episode.”  They also tell me I have been depressed for a very long time — that I have been essentially dead inside.  These three months have been glorious, but I have to go back out into the world again.  Not just because I need the money, but because I need to be IN the world, not watching it go past.

The psychologist wants me to join some groups so that I can have “rich, rewarding relationships.”  I tried to explain about Beverly and Josie and Anne in New Mexico and Carrie in the East Bay, and Kate in England, and Bridget in Philadelphia and he just pursed his lips.

I know some people are prejudiced or distrustful of internet relationships, but those women are some of the best friends I have ever had.  I get into long email conversations with them, Carrie and Anne especially.  I have met Carrie and was going to see Anne this summer, but New Mexico caught on fire and driving toward a natural disaster seemed counterintuitive.  But I have every intention of meeting her and the horse boys.

Plus, I’m not a joiner.  I came along late in my family and we lived out in the country with no near neighbors.  I am socialable (although I usually feel awkward) but not social.  I am a loner and I am certainly not a joiner.  I used to go to Knit Night at Ancient Pathways, but the store closed and I am not comfortable in the other yarn shops in town.  They are peopled by The Ladies Who Lunch.  Knit Addiction in Clovis seems different, but Madera to Clovis is a long way to drive after a day’s work, not to mention the cost of gas.

I would also very much like it if my foot would stop hurting.  We finally figured out that when Bob stepped on my foot while I was in mid-stride, it stretched my sural nerve.  Nerves apparently don’t like being stretched, but the fact that it’s a nerve explains why the boot, the shots, and the physical therapy haven’t worked and the MRI showed so much inflammation.

The doctor gave me one last shot way up my ankle and that has helped.  Although if I walk barefoot on cold (stone/tile) floors I get a wake-up call.  Easy solution:  don’t walk around barefoot.  Slippers, socks, anything.  There are even days where I walk normally!  It still has a vague ache, but I think it’s getting better.

As part of trying to get my perspective back and the filters back on and face the new year, I joined two new groups on Ravelry that I am hoping will help.  I am really hoping they will give me a focus other than the people at work.  Who are not my friends.  Harriet Lerner says there are five responses to anxiety:  underfunctioning, overfunctioning, distancing, gossip, and/or blaming..  Gossip is usually my co-workers’ first choice, followed by blaming, and then overfunctioning, as in sticking their noses into my decisions and my business.  I distance.  I basically run for cover.  I need to get that British poster:  Keep Calm and Carry On.  And I need to stop running.

One of the groups I joined is Surmount the Stash because I have been saying for several years I am going to knit my stash and then I go off and play video games instead.  The goal is to use only stash yarn over the course of the next year, which is not a problem.  I don’t have an enormous stash, but I have plenty.

The second group is 12 in 12 2012.  I looked at 12 Sweaters in 2012, and I have the yarn to do it, but I decided that I don’t need to ADD stress while destashing.  So I searched a little further and 12 in 12 2012 is about finished 12 projects, which means I can throw in gloves, hats, cowls, etc., which I have also been wanting to make and have need of.

I know this is not what the psychologist meant by joining some groups, but my treatment is about me, not him.  He’ll get over it.  He’s young.  I am hoping that  checking in with groups and talking to others about their progress or lack thereof will get me away from the video games and into the knitting (while listening to books on tape) always the better choice.

My twelve planned projects for 2012 are:

Colorblock Gloves by Nanette Blanchard  (I really tried on Polska because I adore the pattern, but I discovered that I don’t like stranded knitting.  I just need to buy the stoneware mug and be done with it.  Nanette, who blogs over at Knitting in Color clearly DOES love stranded knitting, but her Colorblock Gloves only have a wee bit of stranded knitting in the cuffs.  Mine will be red.

Solaris by the Berroco Design Team.  I loved this cardigan the minute I saw it.  My deepest regret is that they have discontinued the Suede yarn line because it would have been divine in that yarn.

Rivendell Smoke Ring by Susan Pandorf because it’s pretty.  I am going to use a Socks That Rock yarn which I traded for a pattern book.  I am hoping it will give me that graduated color thing.

Port Orford Pullover by Oat Couture.  I have liked this sort-of gansey since I first saw it.

February Baby Sweater by Elizabeth Zimmermann, not because I know any babies but because I have some baby yarn in my stash which I believe is approximately as old as my daughter.  Also, because I have never tried a Zimmermann pattern and she’s sort of famous from what I hear.  ;P

Pingouin Sleeveless Sweater by Pingouin.  This pattern is from an ancient BC (Before Children) pattern book that I have hung onto for a long time.  We’ll see how this works out.

Lace Saddle Tee by Lisa Rowe, probably in KnitPicks CotLin.  I have some lovely turquoise CotLin and I’ve never worked with linen.  The pattern is from Interweave Knits.

Cabaret Raglan by Norah Gaughan.  I have very mixed feelings about Norah Gaughan’s work.  Some of it is divine; some of it gets a bit too organic for my taste.  At any rate, Meg from Ancient Pathways made this and I have loved it ever since, although I intend full-length sleeves rather than the much-hated-by-me three-quarter length sleeves.  This is another Interweave pattern and I found the magazine on eBay because I didn’t need another knitting pattern book.

Bombadil Hat by Susan Pandorf.  I am reading the trilogy and what can I say?  It puts me in a mood.  I must admit the blue and yellow sock yarn I got from The Loopy Ewe is much more “sudden” than the colors Susan used.  I will be a beacon in the fog.

Weekend Cardigan by Ivette Tecedor.  I haven’t worked in chunky yarn in a long time and someone gave me a divine glass button which would look very nice with the lavender yarn I plan to use.

Honeycomb by Sarah Castor (a Knitty pattern) because I love sweater vests and don’t have enough.

The Block Sweater by Elise Duvekot from the book Knit One Below.  I fell in love with this sweater the minute I saw it.  The one time I have taken classes at STITCHES West, I signed up for her class because I could tell the technique was not one I could read about and replicate.

That’s my list of 12 projects for 2012.  I am hoping for a productive, focused, stable new year.

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